A tribute to the friends, family, strangers, acquaintances, authors, writers and pastors that have made it part of their life’s purpose and taken time to constantly remind,show and make me feel that I am bloody  worth it.

‘Sometimes when you are lost all you need is for someone to care enough to tell you that you are worth it’

I don’t think there is one way to actually be lost, so unlike my lecturers I won’t delve and expound on all the theories and philosophies of what it is for ‘one to be truly lost’..cause..errmmm... Quite frankly, I cannot.

HOWEVER I will say this:


We have ALL been, are, or will find ourselves in a moment in life where we are completely, utterly and wholly lost. Yes, however you wanna put it... lost in love, lost.com, lost in the city, lost at life, lost for sale, lost careers, lostest...(and if you are anything like me  ALL of these sound familiar or even worse make sense..then you know you gone done it..lol)... either way, you will find in those moments that certain emotions, thoughts and feelings are a prerequisite:

Firstly, there is that awful feeling at the pit of your stomach, letting you know, just incase you forgot, that something is SERIOUSLY wrong while at the same time your mind is running a constant ‘its not gonna end’ siren. Then there is that feeling of shere dread that one can only associate with going shopping with £50 to buy a £100 shoe.. no matter how you spin it, you are STILL going to come up short. And who can forget that constant overwhelming fear that this moment has become the permanent residence of your life and it just happened to shack up with your worst nightmare (like really aren’t there other less traumatising nightmares it could have picked). Anyway either way, the grief is the same, the dread is the same, the hopelessness is the same, that out of control feeling is the same, the steady-spinning-downward-spiral feeling is the same, the silent suffering, the quiet tears (or the loud), the dark, the cold, the even colder sweats you wake up in, the panic, the loneliness, the questioning and the doubting of self... No matter, the language, the nationality, the gender of your ‘lost’ ..it..is..all..the..same... You’re stuck in a place, you probably brought yourself, with no control, and there is clearly no way out or even the possibility of an end.

Well, I have been lost so many times that I am making an attempt to make myself a template for recovery. I have come to the realisation that I am not sleeping beauty...(damnit)..there will be no prince charming in shining armor to come find me and spin my life into perfection with a kiss..(sigh).. Even if there was am sure in my time of despair he might as well be an ogre because nothing is good enough when you are lost, no one is good enough, no one can help, neither can you help anyone. Life purposes and destinies can’t be realized or talents used when you are lost. Lost is that state of personal limbo! (however if the real sleeping beauty stumbles upon this.. ‘Girl I am so sorry..Ermm..Bambi,  am sure he is coming’ * looks down awkwardly * )...I have therefore turned to self help so here goes my...

5 things I want to remember when I am lost:


1) I once had a friend, who when I walked into the room...gasped like she had been hit by a beam of sunshine, burst into a heartbreaking smile and called me ‘beautiful’...I don’t mind if its not true...in that moment someone truly believed it...she must have thought I was worth it.

2)I remember once when my life was literally ending (at least it felt like it was), I had a friend look at me looking at her like I really didn’t mind...yet  she got up like HER world was the one falling apart,  put on a cloak and made it her personal mission to save me and became my superman.. She must have thought I had a life worth saving

3)There was this one time, I sat down to tell my mum I had a crush on my ex, you know giggling the way only two girls sharing a secret can. She patiently listened to me go on and on about how ‘delicious’ he was looking and how I might just have to ‘throw him in the bag’ AGAIN (occasionally bursting into laughter at her clearly wayward daughter) She must have heard something I didn’t say because I don’t know why else she would turn to me...in that quiet, graceful way of hers that forces anyone who is listening to believe that everything pouring out of her mouth is FACT not fiction and said “but chisanga..you’re a beautiful, intelligent, strong and kind woman..you have unbelievable options ahead of you”! She must have thought it was somehow necessary in that moment to remind me I had a value that I was somehow forgetting or letting go. She must have thought I was worth more than I was remembering.

4)There is this one guy...i think of him often...he fed me, clothed me, put a secure roof over my head, loved me, planned and diligently worked for a future with me in mind even before I knew I had one of my own, let alone how to spell it. Funny that he did all this long before I even knew what to call him..over the years I decided I’d call him ‘Daddy’..to this day I still don’t know how much the debt he never wants me to pay back is worth..he must have known I would grow up to be stubborn so he decided to tell me am worth it in a way that is  permanent and where the evidence could never be erased..to this day I promise you, you cannot convince me otherwise

5)I remember this one day, nothing special about it except that I once again woke up to see the sun. I decided to take V up on her recommendation to listen to Mary J Blige..settled on ‘Each tear’... I don’t remember the lyrics of course because I never do except so as usual I settled on remembering the chorus and the bridge:
 ‘Each tear there’s a lesson,
makes you wiser than before,
makes you stronger than you know
and each tear brings you closer to your dreams, ‘
* then screaming *
“ you are much more than the struggle that you go through,
you’re not defined by your pain..
so let it go,
you’re not a victim!
you’re more like a winner,
and you’re not in defeat, you’re more like a queen..”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xvash3C5G9c&ob=av2e

6) I remember a God who thought I was worth creating "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!” (Ps. 139:13-17)...who am I to treat myself like I’m not


I know you’re lost...

But there has to be SOMETHING you can remember

A memory, an emotion, a word, a friend, a love..

The map to the somewhere where you’re just not so lost anymore..a place that reminds you ..that you are worth more than the pain, the confusion, the misery, the hopelessness, the confusion and the grief you are in

There just HAS to be a place, a person, a memory, a word or a God that created you, or at least one that died for you... that reminds you that you are worth it!

I pray that your prayer may be the lyrics to one of my favorite Hillsong song: ‘Awakening’

“In our hearts Lord...awakening..
For you and you alone awake my soul...
For the world you love, your will be done, let yiur will be done in me.”

So that ...

“like the rising sun that shines,
(awake my soul)
from the darkness comes a light,
(awake my soul)
I hear your voice say this is my....
AWAKENING....”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AmvyGu1WeA