Decisions!! Decisions!!..Boys and Girls...

I love Boys, yes I love them all, the tall the not so tall, the slim the chubby, the skinny jeans wearing type the orange, the green and the yellow. Yes I like them ALL. I mean in my life thus far I have had a spectrum of guy friends and dated a rainbow. Like I said I like them allllll... I mean apart from being a firm admirer of God’s handiwork in making such beautiful creations, there is also the fact that guys are just so uncomplicated. What they say is what they mean. This is very much unlike the female species... If a girl tells you they are not ready for a relationship they are most likely saying they want you to BEG. In general everything boils down to the need to be begged. I mean a guy will tell his best friend, ‘dude listen, remember that girl you dated a while back? well yeah I tapped that man’ if he is in a good mood he might even throw in a ‘I’m sorry’. Next thing you hear is laughter and perhaps a complete breakdown of what constituted tapping, the next thing you know its a full on competition on who tapped whose the most. If that was a conversation between girls... Well...It would be something like this ‘OH NO YOU DINT’ next thing you know there are earrings being taken off, weaves being pulled out and heals being used as weapons, not a pretty site I tell you. It will forever be a war. With the female specimen, a grudge like this is generally taken to the grave, but with guys it’s just a platform for healthy competition. Like I said, with guys things are a whole lot simpler. No petty jealousy, no double standard remarks, no betrayals that last a lifetime...NADA...just good old unserious fun.

Okay so back to the point of this.. I have a problem in making decisions. There I said it..I am that person at a restaurant that is ALWAYS the last one to order (I’m sorry friends and family I love you too). I could literally sit there for hours trying to decide what I wanted to eat.. ‘consulting my taste buds’ I call it.. I mean I hate the feeling of missing out. I do not want to find out that I ordered the wrong thing, or even worse that someone else has ordered what I would have preferred to have. So linking the two together, my love for the Hims of this world and my inability to decide, yes you can see where this is going, I don’t know how to decide to jump into relationships. When it comes to the crunch time, The moment whether or not to launch and pledge myself into a he and she item I am absolutely USELESS. Coming face to face with whatever version of ‘I like you and I want us to date’ I am confronted with I cringe in my own skin. I want the ground to open and swallow me, my pallet goes dry my knees go weak for all the wrong reasons and I PANIC. I know that this is an ‘it’ moment. A moment that calls for quick decision.. AAAaaaahhhhh..

Without the help of an educated being, who will seriously overprice me, to find out the problem, I have to find out what the hell is wrong with me all on my lonesome. So I ask myself is it fear. Is that the reason I freak out? Fear of commitment, fear of the looming doom and gloom if it ends badly, fear that this may be the wrong choice.Fear of breaking someone else's heart when cause you just don't want the same things they do anymore. We all like to think we are fearless, like we are up for anything. That we can’t wait for the opportunity to give our hearts to that other person and trust them with it, to feel loved and all the warm fuzzy feelings that come with it. But the truth is most of the time we’re not fearless. We’re not the reincarnation of Braveheart. We’re fragile, we’re vulnerable and we just don’t want our hearts broken. Of course we would NEVER admit it, but the fact of the matter is that relationships are NOT full proof, some end and some end BADLY. Those of us that have suffered a broken heart know that getting up once is hard enough, so twice might just be a funeral.

Well am not really a roll over cause am afraid kinda person, I love karaoke and I have a bad voice.. Bring on the fear. So perhaps its other things that don’t really have a name. Like having super high, unrealistic expectations or secretly knowing you actually want someone else but can’t bother to wait. Perhaps its watching way too much Grey’s anatomy or listening to way too much Chris Brown and thinking those imaginary people exist somewhere out there for us. Perhaps its taking the baggage from a particularly bad situation or relationship in your life and unpacking it right in the middle or just before the start of a new relationship. I don’t know, there are just too many possibilities right....Too many ways to be messed up.


Or maybe I don’t have a problem, maybe high expectations are better than no expectations. Maybe its okay to wait when you know what you’re waiting for will be worth it in the end. Maybe the people with the problem are those people that go around liking and asking out everyone they 'connect' with because in reality they are afraid to be alone. Maybe its okay to be afraid because with fear comes caution and with caution comes a decision you’re actually proud of. Maybe, just maybe one day the decision won’t be hard to make. My knees will go weak for all the right reasons. I won’t have to decide. I won't have to think about it, or calculate or find excuses, or feel guilty or be afraid. I’ll know. I’ll know to say yes with a smile. I’ll know this is it for me and I won’t mind that I didn’t have to go through 60 people to find out. It won’t be difficult cause it really doesn't have to be. It will be effortless.. . A record breaker in my book of decisions.



Sometimes I know, then I don't know
Sometimes I want, then don't want
Sometimes I need, then I don't need
Sometimes I feel then don't feel
crave, and then suddenly don't crave
Sometimes I see, and then I don't see

Sometimes I love and then.....then....

Then????

Wait! what kind of sick line would "then I don't love" be

No!....What I mean to say is...
Sometimes I love then forget to love,
don't want to love,
don't feel like loving,
don't crave love,
don't need love,
don't even see love,
But never don't love......
No!

Because no matter what, I still love.
Yes, I love when it hurts, when it stings and when it burns,
I love when its stupid to love and even when i'm not loved back
I love when I shouldn't and when I thought I couldn't
Quite simply I love, and I love....and I love some more....
Because I can...

What better emotion is there than that which we cannot define
but yet only feel??
Even For God so loved...
Yes, because even for God so loved that he GAVE his only son.

So I will continue to love ....... and thank God for the privilege of loving,
For not many can.
So to you all I say ..
don't be afraid or ashamed to love
No.

So...

.. to you..


...ALL....


...I say...




I Love You :)